Mug Shot

Roommates : Bah'ai

One late night Saturday, my roommate and I were deep in conversation when two guys started knocking on the neighbor's door. And continued. And continued. We peeked underneath our blinds to see what was going on and got caught. Finally, it's our door they were knocking on.
" Um, excuse us but could we borrow paper and pen? "
" Well, I don't know you " I said.
" It's Nicholas, Nico! "
" I don't know a Nico. "
" Well we're just trying to to leave a note for our friend. She's coming into town blah, blah, blah... Seattle... "
" Isn't that what phones are for? "
" Well he doesn't have one and I don't have the phone number. "
" This is kind of weird you know?"
" No no, we're non-threatening. We're bah'ai. Well, he is. "
" Ok, I don't care about your sexuality. "
" Ha no, it's a religion. We like three sexualities. "
I slowly got up to get an index card and pen. I opened the door.
" Do you have a sticky-note? "
" Dude, you're pushing it" said the other, " Maybe some tape? "
" No I don't. Put it in the screen door. "
I shut the door.

This has been a true story.
The End.

Roommates : Hoarse Cat

Our neighbor, we call him Schwinn (more on him later), has a cat named Hoarse Cat. One day it decided to pay us a visit by window pane.

Roommates : BYOP

Although we have yet to have any dinner parties, parties or even friend movie times at our apartment due to our 'mononucleosis' and general anti-social behavior, this is what it would look like if we were to invite you over to share a plate of food.

Roommates : Girls Night In

A daily thought.

Roommates : Oven Mit

Getting our ducks in our row has been quite silly. Gathering all needed utensils, tools and gadgets has led to some innovation and compromise. 

Roommates : Stealing Wifi

I moved into a new apartment. It's perfect and I hardly ever want to leave. However, there are certain quirks that make it that much more of an adventure. I've sketched up some comics to explain the situation.

The Power of Strums

The Perks of Strep

I've come down with the sickness and now, after two shots in the bum, a bunch of antibiotics and salt rinses later, I have the time (a week) and energy away from work to reflect. This is what I've decided : having strep (besides the whole nasty bacteria in the back of my throat problem) was a great thing to have come into my life at this moment. Here's why :

• watching all eight Harry Potter's in a row
• getting back to sketching
• naps whenever I please
• writing
• a stay - (in bed) - cation
• lost about six pounds
• sitting with my roommate until 2 PM before finally actually doing something
• tea
• decorating my apartment
• the care of my mama and papa
• reading
• realizing this blog needed major TLC
• texting my mom and best friend a lot
• being in bed wrapped up in two comforters while the heat is set to 70
• having an excuse to be anti-social
• writing down my ideas

Perhaps most importantly, that in this whirlwind of working full time and being involved in many things and many lives I might not have focused on doing nothing and allowed my creative energy to shine through anymore. I missed starting projects and then eventually getting them done. I even missed pacing my personal space. I'm a creative person and I had lost that quite a bit. Forty hours a week is a lot to commit to a spot where you're there just to fill a role. I still love my job but I might need to remember that I love my not-job life more. I'd like to refocus on rebuilding that, even with a stuffy nose.

Video Dollz

So this is what happens when there are pretty leaves, good company and a video camera...

Citrusy

Sometimes life gives you lemons. Or it gives you oranges. Heck, it could even be limes. But you know, you should just make a t shirt design out of it. My brother and I started a t shirt company The Food Porn T Shirt Co. This is one of my favorite designs. We're taking it to the printers in the next upcoming weeks and will hopefully be able to sell them by the beginning of October. 

Criminal

I was in the newspaper. This is how it happened:

The Importance of Being Cool

As I grow older and closer to maturity with my parents, I realize how flippin' cool they are. Not in the like "we still go to hip concerts and buy our kids whiskey on the weekend" way but more so in the actual cool way. As a parent you donate the rest of your life from the moment a six pound screaming bundle of joy is born to slinging diapers, paying for soccer camps and taming raging teenage hormones. And holy shit, that's pretty cool. That commitment to another hungry, and sometimes hangry being is probably the hardest thing one could ever do. So thanks Mom and Dad, for being so cool.

Senior Home Livin'

You know you work at a retirement home when…

The most action you got was an old man saying “How are you today, besides beautiful”.

You get called ‘cookie’ forty times an hour by a screeching Jewish woman with lipstick on her cheek.

You make a medal for a grouchy woman for being “The best walker and simultaneous ice cream eater” in order to motivate her to take her ice cream to her room so that you can go home on time.

Everyone complains that the coffee is too strong and not hot enough. 

“The chef is so nice! I wonder if he’s got a girlfriend” said woman 1

“ Oh stop it, it’s none of our business”, said woman 2. “I wouldn’t want to crawl in bed with him though, he’d take up the whole thing!”

“ You’re horrible, but I’ve wondered how that’d work...”, said woman 2

You let your farts flow free because there are eighty people who are four times your age you can blame it on.

Look at Them Flippin' Hipsters...

Adult Prom?

Why yes, everybody is required to wear a dress!

Waterfalls and Red Rocks and Calcium Carbonate

At Havasupai the water is the most crystal blue you could ever imagine. The Grand Canyon explodes with the reddest rock on Earth. The luscious green vegetation envelopes this cliffs and complements the blue and red to van Gogh's artistic satisfaction.

 My weekend spent in the wilderness couldn't have been more serene, more challenging or more glorious with sunlight. The 10 mile hike to the waterfalls of Havasupai not only gives you strong glutes but also rejuvenated my love for the outdoors.

Saturday was spent wading and climbing over the rocks of Beaver Falls.

Did you know? The water is naturally blue because calcium carbonate deposits found in the red rocks.

 The 10 miles back to the car were exhausting, hot and so gratifying once I was greeted with a victory collapse in the shade next to the port-a-potty.

Hieroglyphs

Now if I was a snazzy artist I would call this 'Mistress'.

 But I'm not, 

so I'm calling it 'I painted some silhouettes on red rocks'.

Dear Comedy Writing

Now I'm not quite sure I've made it quite clear enough yet but I will now. Besides being a traveler, student, worker and general person, I'd also like to be a comedy writer. Like, I'd get to hang out with Liz Lemon all day, shoot the shit, be hilarious and then get paid for it. Like, I'd get to drink Snake Juice with Amy Poehler. Normally, I would say this is ridiculous and a compulsive dream dreamt by most awkward college educated women BUT what you don't know is that I have an 'in'. Now is the best time to strike. The time is now for a lady to develop her sense of humor and get rich; look at Girls, zero to going-to-the-Grammy's in one season flat. It's now or never and I'm ready to throw my two cents into the Fountain of Funny...

It's a manila folder containing my most finest jokes and it starts like this:

Dear Kristin Wiig, (editor's note: she seems the most approachable of the contemporary SNL female dynasty but sending the letter to the entire holy trinity of female comedians is a must)
I would be a great addition to your posse. You see, I'm really funny and have a lot of charm. Sometimes my friends pee their pants and I don't even have to open my mouth. I worry about their dysfunctional bladders but Bernie says he's been giving Mildred her kidney medicine so she should be on the up-and-up. Although it can be quite embarrassing to go out with my ol' gal pals and their Poise panty lines, I have learned to take it more of a compliment and testament to my hilarity than anything. Attached is a list of jokes, scene ideas, my resumé and general quips that I think would add a wealth of toot-scootin-to-boot to the comedy writing process.
Just consider instating me, please and thank you.
Love,
Rebecca L. Asser

Now all I've got to do is cross my fingers, toes and legs and wish real hard.
editor's note: shout out to the most greatest Emma Kelly-Knickerbocker for helping conjure up this most finest idea.